


I Want To Drown

by RedXD



Series: I Want To Drown [1]
Category: Camp Camp (Web Series)
Genre: Depression, Drowning, Internal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 08:44:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19989319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedXD/pseuds/RedXD
Summary: Max has always liked how peaceful water is.





	I Want To Drown

The ocean.. water in general.

Sometimes thin, other times thick with cold wind and neverending ache. In some cases, it’s a sweet baby blue color while some places only have shades of navy or sage.

Nothing ever changes.

Whether it’s one or the other water is always the same.

It’s always deadly, but required. It’s always soothing, but it makes some scared they’ll lose their way. Moreover, it always makes Max feel like the world has melted away.

Life is shit. You can’t avoid your own downfalls, only the downfalls of those around you. Everyone is going to have something thrown at them by the bitch of a universe up there. Even if your life is great or it’s garbage, no one will ever be happy forever.

From the day he was born, Max was labeled a mistake by his parents. He’s the bad luck charm that makes others cry. He’s who breaks and hurts those around him without even meaning to.

He’s the kinda person born and raised to never see the light. To never be happy.

Of course, he knows he deserves it. Deep down, he understands that it’s something he can’t change. The will of the universe is as strong as infinity. If the universe hates you, then they’ll never let you breathe.

Sometimes he likes to watch the flow of water. As it dribbles from a faucet or how it sleeps under the sun in the form of Lake Lilac. Whatever form, it always seems so full and so calm. It swells him into a feeling of peace, a feeling of false happy until his world shatters again.

It’s shattered so much he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to fix the pieces.

When he was younger, people used to say his emotions would change. That because he was a child, he didn’t understand the world around him or the feelings he had. As if age is what determines what a person understands. As if it is what levels intelligence.

It’s not. A person could be 10 or 70, neither matters. Everyone goes through life differently. Everyone experiences things differently.

Max has experienced life and emotions that he hopes most others haven’t.

The feeling of wanting, no craving, to disappear. To drown away in the sweet abyss of emptiness called death. He wants to be selfish and whisk away from reality, leaving behind the people he holds dear. Nikki and Neil, for example.

He hasn’t left yet though. Not just yet.

Instead of giving in, so far he’s just kept it inside. He’s shoved it so far down that his mind is filled with lies of happiness and simplicity when he’s with others.

He’s still as angry as he was six years ago. The day he first met Nikki and Neil. His first year at Camp Campbell.

Most would say anger is an illness. Not curable, not able to be forgiven. He’s angry though. He’s angry at the universe, at his parents, at life in of itself.

He’s angry at himself. For not trying enough, for not being a better person. Instead of being kind, he’s an asshole. Instead of being smart, he’s an idiot.

Redeemable qualities are what makes a person lovable. It explains why he’s never heard someone say they love him. His good characteristics were abandoned in a dumpster a couple years ago along with his will to live.

Max likes water. Even if he can barely swim, even if it stings his eyes on rough nights where he can’t hold the bad thoughts inside.

He likes it because it makes him suffocate until his brain goes numb. It makes his inner demons rest for a while.

So that’s why he’s choosing to drown. To let the water take him away so he doesn’t have to think again.

Now his parents will be happy. Neil and Nikki won’t have to deal with his constant pessimistic nature. David and Gwen won’t have to deal with his bullshit. The other campers won’t have to see him everyday of the summer.

You know why?

Because he’s going to drown. Finally, he’s going to see blues until he can’t see anymore.

It’s alright though. He wants to drown. He wants to die.

He stares at the water. In the past when he’s looked down upon the sea of blue, he’s felt regret. He’s felt scared. A part of him has always been holding him back. The part that knows this is selfish. That knows he isn’t doing a good thing by drowning.

That part of him has slowly been silenced by the loud booming voices and thoughts beating against the inside of his head.

The water looks so peaceful. He wonders if it’ll look a different way once his body is dead, sinking to the bottom. Or maybe it’ll float. He never did pay attention in school or during David’s random lectures.

Max takes out the wrinkled note in his pocket. It isn’t much. To be honest all it says is, ‘Goodbye, sorry for any hurt I've caused you. - Max’

_At least I’ve got some form of a goodbye._

He takes off his hoodie and lies it on the end of the pier. His scraggly arms lay the note on top of the hoodie, partially covered by a sleep to try and stop it from being blown away by morning or afternoon winds.

The sky is pretty. Dawn has it colored with shades of pink and orange.

A small smile graces his lips.

_I’m finally getting to leave. Leave everything._

He takes one last look at Camp Campbell. At the place he’d grown to love, even if he’ll never admit it.

“Thank you.”

The dark-haired boy that stands at the edge of the lake jumps. He falls into the water, closing his eyes and letting the cold wrap around him like a blanket.

Unconsciously he holds his breath. It doesn’t matter though, he isn’t leaving the water, so eventually his lungs with give up. Just like he did.

Silence rings in his ears until it feels like a slow melody of the end. He feels his chest swell as his lungs begin to run out of air and prepare to make him breath in oxygen.

He feels the rushing pain as his lungs inhale only water.

His mind fades into color.

His eyes are open.

“Max, why would you.. why did we find you in the lake?” Neil is there. His voice squeaky, hands shaky as his lip quivers.

Nikki’s eyes are wide with aching gloom. “Why did you kill yourself?”

David stands there, tears welling up in his eyes. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

Gwen, Harrison, everyone looks at him. Gazes filled with question. “Why?”

Max laughs, chuckles cause even though this situation isn’t funny, his mind is so dark, he can’t help but laugh at their sadness.

Guilt. It bites his shoulders and hugs him tightly. He knows he’s an asshole. He knows he shouldn’t leave.

“I want to drown.”

They all peer at him. “And you did.”

Darkness stretches from his mind, filling his vision with nothingness as his brain and thoughts all start to go numb.

As his soul and life all fades away, he smiles. He finally did it.

_I’m dead._


End file.
